What Does the Term “Abuse” Mean to You?
How would you feel telling people that your 4 or 5-year-old child is abusive? What about your 14 or 15-year-old?
The term “abuse” is widely recognised in the context of domestic violence, often describing a perpetrator who exerts power and control over a partner or ex-partner. The 2020 Domestic Abuse Act expanded this definition to include individuals aged 16-18, acknowledging that abuse can occur within younger age groups.
But what about children who exhibit violent and harmful behaviours towards a parent? Should we reconsider the language used to describe this behaviour? Should we reflect on how the term “abuse” impacts these children?
Defining the Context: Children and Violent Behaviour
Before we go any further, let’s be clear: This discussion focuses on children under the age of 18, or up to 25 if they have a neuro divergent (ND) diagnosis. While children do not suddenly stop being children at 25, this is generally the age when brain development is considered complete, so our expectations of and responsibilities on those children must be considered, particularly for neuro divergent children.
The relationship between a child and a parent is unique and complex and is fundamentally different from an intimate partner relationship. Children who use aggressive and harmful behaviours towards a parent should not be classified in the same way as perpetrators of domestic abuse.
The Power of Labels
In the early 19th century, labelling theory gained traction, emphasising how labels can shape identity and perception. Labels are sometimes necessary—whether for medical diagnoses, developmental needs, or identity affirmation within the LGBTQI+ community as an example. However, labels can also be limiting, influencing how we see ourselves and how others perceive us.
From infancy, children are labelled: Is she a good baby? Does he sleep well? As they grow, they accumulate more labels: challenging, noisy, bad sleeper. By primary school, labels become more pronounced:
- Josh is the naughty one in the class.
- Jack is fidgety; he finds it really hard to sit still.
- Jan can’t concentrate and talks with her friends. She was on the cloud at school today. (Referring to a classroom behaviour system.)
Many adults can recall labels from childhood: “I was always told I was naughty, so I became naughty”. Or, “I was praised for being smart, and it felt like pressure to always succeed”. Labels can become identities, shaping behaviour well into adulthood.
The Risk of Labelling a Child “Abusive”
If a child struggles at age 4 or 5 and we label them “abusive,” what happens? If a teenager lashes out and we label them “abusive,” how does that impact their self-perception?
Children who use aggressive or harmful behaviours at home are often not intentionally plotting against a parent or caregiver. More often, they are reacting from a place of deep distress, unable to communicate their needs effectively. Their behaviour is a response to overwhelming emotions, not a calculated attempt to harm.
Even as adults with fully developed brains, we sometimes struggle to communicate our emotions. Now imagine how difficult that is for a child whose brain is still maturing.
This does not mean that aggression or harmful behaviours in the home are acceptable. However, we must recognise the intent behind these actions. Instead of labelling our children “abusive,” we need to understand their struggles and support them in developing healthier ways to cope.
Changing the Narrative
Words matter. The way we describe behaviour can shape a child’s identity and influence their future. By shifting our language, we can move towards a more compassionate and constructive approach—one that seeks to understand rather than condemn.
We must rethink how we talk about child-to-parent violence. Let’s replace judgment with curiosity. Let’s ensure that the language we use helps, rather than harms the children who need our support the most.
